A LOST RELATIONSHIP
The following expressions of emotion were inspired when my girlfriend of five years suddenly dropped me the bombshell that she no longer loved me. It was an unusual relationship because she was a citizen and inhabitant of another country, and simple practicalities and cultural differences made it difficult to develop the relationship in the way I would have wished. However, after five years as a long distance girlfriend during which time I would travel as often as I could to see her and her family, she travelled abroad for the first time to visit and stay with me in my house to see if a future together was a realistic possibility. I enjoyed having her here, but after two months she decided to return home.
I felt when she left, it was not just the end of that relationship, but maybe the end of any hope of a relationship for me. Trying to understand what had happened and wanting to express my feelings, led to these short pieces of prose and verse.
I should make clear, it would be unfair for others to judge my girlfriend as a result of these pieces and burden her with responsibility for the heartaches expressed. I don't want that. The sentiments owe as much to my own vulnerability at the time, as to her rejection of me. They were felt briefly when at one's very lowest ebb. Not all that is written should be taken too literally. But all these pieces do relate in some way to different aspects of my feelings in the aftermath of our time together - the feelings of hurt and loneliness and incomprehension.
Much has happened since then. I did move on, and today I have a new girlfriend whom I love very much. Indeed she is now my fiancée. But I have nonetheless remained close friends with the family of my 'ex'. They are wonderfully supportive, and she is a nice girl. And I wish her well.
The sentiments below remain only as a record of how love can hurt so very much.
Note: The format of the poem 'Regrets' is not supported on mobile phones. Therefore it can only be viewed on larger screens
DREAM GIRL DISILLUSIONS
Perhaps it's better to keep the girl of your dreams within your dreams.
To meet her, to court her, is to allow reality to shatter the dreams ...
As it will surely do if your dreams are as beautiful as only dreams can be.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO?
Five years spent as partners apart
Oceans away but close at heart
'till the day you came to live with me
to enjoy some close proximity
to visualise your future life
when one day you'd become my wife
You came for six months but stayed just two
Was enjoying me so hard to do?
Five years in the making ...
Two months in the breaking ...
I regret the dawn of me and you
and all the words which proved untrue
and I regret we couldn't see our future through
I regret that I never knew then what's now so very clear
and all those days that we spent apart - too many every year
and I regret I couldn't see how your love was slowly fading dear
I regret that waning of your love that you were never able to express
and whatever turned that love away from me and made it something less
and I regret the death of your desires, and so the birth of my distress
I regret the love you felt that the passing years could not sustain
and the deep pangs of love displaced by deeper pangs of pain
and I regret the memory of love that I'll ever more retain
I regret you felt the need to go back across the sea
and how our life together now will never be
and I regret the end of you and me
Like all lovers do, we looked with loving eyes.
She looked at me through glasses tinted rose.
and I looked at her through glasses tinted rose.
But as the years passed, I guess her glasses broke.
and mine remained intact.
I wish my glasses had broken too.
THE HOME SHE CAME TO ...
THE HOUSE SHE LEFT
When I was single, my house was a home.
A place to live in and do as I pleased.
A place to feel comfortable.
A place to feel secure.
A place of my own.
When she moved in, our house was a home.
A place of warmth to enjoy together.
A place of shared experience.
A place of companionship.
A place of our own.
When she moved out, my house was just a house.
A place of coldness to return to every night.
A silent place to exist in day by day.
A place of memories to forget.
Just a place.
THE FINAL QUESTIONS
How now will my future be
without your love and company?
My smiles are drowned in floods of tears
my happy days lost to lonely years.
Will now my future be alone
or shared with someone yet unknown?
One can hope, but hope fades fast.
Perhaps my chance for love has passed.
Where now does my future lie;
just counting years as each goes by?
In a land of memories I'd sooner forget,
in a world suffused with deep regret.
What now may my future hold;
just life alone whilst growing old?
With continued memories but faded hope
I wonder will I ever cope?
When now did that future start?
The day you left and broke my heart.
That future began in deep distress
when you left me with a last caress,
when you left me with a kiss goodbye,
when you left me there alone to cry,
and when you left me with a wish to die.
So finally, can I ask the question -
THE CHOICE I MADE
You know when first you said you’d love, there also was another ...
another girl who cried for me, and wished for me to love her?
You know how indecision cost me her, because she couldn't wait for me ...
to choose between her passion, and your pledge of lasting loyalty?
You know how I believed you would, one day become my wife ...
And how you’d stay and live with me until the end of life?
But now we know that pledge to me was not a guarantee,
your feelings died and lacking love, you could not stay with me.
Now I’ve lost both her and you, and I start to reminisce
about what happened and why it did, and I think I‘ve learned just this.
That when it comes to heart felt love to last for all eternity
I'd always choose impassioned love, ahead of loveless company.
THE PAIN OF LOSING LOVE IS GREATER THAN THE JOY OF GAINING LOVE
You never love more than the moment they take their love away.
You never regret more than the day
it's too late to turn back the clock.
When they are here, you love with all your heart.
But when they go, you miss them with heart, body and soul.
When they are here, the whole of the heart is full and warm.
But when they go, the whole wide world becomes empty and cold.
And you cry for all the promise of the future they take away.
And you cry for all the memories they leave behind.
PROMISES IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP
You always told me I 'worry too much'.
You always told me 'there is no problem'.
But still the day came when I found I was right to worry. There was a problem.
You always told me that you loved me.
You always told me that you always would.
But still the day arrived when you told me that you didn't.
You always told me you would stay forever.
You always told me you'd always be mine.
But still the day dawned when you told me you were leaving me.